7 things that don’t get talked about when breakups happen

 breaking up with someone you loved and cared about can be very difficult physically and mentally. And as woke as the internet and its users claim to be, some parts of this phase don’t get talked about enough. There is more to it than meets the eye.

When breakups occur, it’s more than two people no longer being in a relationship, it’s a change of routines, a change of wants and sometimes needs, and a change in habits. It’s a lot! So let’s talk about those aspects of this process that are normally kept under wraps. 

1. The “what ifs” phase: 

Just like the name goes “what if” is the point you begin to ask yourself questions and seek answers, you think of where you would have done better or worst, and you begin to find answers, these might be in form of the closure conversation you have with your partner or the questions you begin to ask friends.

2. Reminder phase: 

This is the phase where you are constantly reminded of them. I don’t know if it’s just me, but when I miss someone I tend to come across specific things or scenarios that remind me of them more often than usual. This can be the hardest part of breaking up, the constant reminder of them, it could be music, perfumes, slang, talking patterns, activities, jokes, clothes, scents, perfumes, etc. There are endless things that will remind you of someone you love even when you make conscious efforts not to. The down part of this is you might not get rid of this phase completely, you might just learn to be ok with it.

3. Regrets 

You can experience what I call passive regret or active regret or even both because one kind of it can be the regret of meeting your partner, the regret of ignoring red flags, and the other kind of regret can be the regret of losing your partner, losing the bond, the regret of fucking up. The thing is everyone is so stuck on creating the “IDGAF” persona that they neglect this particular emotion and when we realize how much it is eating us up and try to make sense of it, it could be too late. There’s nothing bad in regretting a relationship that failed.

5. Is it over? :

This phase is closely related to the reminder phase. This is the point where you feel you are completely over them, the relationship, and the breakup generally but all of a sudden you bump into them physically, or you see a video or photo of them or a song you two used to love or your favorite quotes and just like that the flood gates of emotions, buried feelings, and nursed hurts come flooding back in again, ah!! Very frustrating. My two cents on this are to first accept these people once had a place in your heart, you loved and cared deeply about them and it’s ok for your heart not to ever forget them and it’s completely ok to still want them back but can’t go for them, that it’s ok to still feel love for them. Remember you really can’t make decisions for your heart, your heart will always want what it wants. 

6 A glimpse of hope:

This stage varies in situations surrounding the break up. It’s mostly common in relationships that were value-based and friendship-based, relationships that didn’t end bitterly. In cases like those, both parties tend to naturally gravitate back to each other, this could be as a partnership or friendly gestures etc. These innocent gestures could brew a feeling of hope or redemption of the relationship between both or one party. “We are good friends now, he probably still wants us to be together” well I hate to be that guy but most times its false hope, maybe the other person just trusts you enough to want to still be warm and cozy with you, the person might really just want to be just FRIENDS! Considering the history and how highly the person thinks of you. On the other hand, not all “EX” keep such relations, some might really want to make things work better and are somehow trying to get a do-over. Most times this phase matures back into a more grounded relationship where the two parties become intentional with each other, while in some cases it turns into a toxic circle, the back-and-forth thing. This phase is very very risky I must say because some people might be hoping it leads them back to a mature relationship with the other person, meanwhile the other person might see it as just a friendly association and genuinely want nothing more. It's always a safer option to communicate what you want and be intentional in your dealings with the person and the best way is to completely cut ties with that person, give your heart and self the distance they need to Move On.

 

7 The Denial and acceptance phase : 

This is the point where you convince yourself that you are truly done with them and guess what? You might convince your mind that you are ok with how events unfolded only for there to be a moment of translucence where you find out that you are not okay with how things went south between you and your estranged lover but you will have to live with the outcome anyway. Just like the stages of grief, denial always comes first before acceptance. 

A couple of weeks ago, a friend of mine who broke up with her partner a month ago, dyed her hair a very different shade of burgundy she was so hyped about it and wanted to show it to someone, so she called me, instead of being hyped as she thought she would showing me the hair, she went ahead and had a 5mins mental breakdown. She didn't realize how she had become so used to sharing moments like that with her ex-boyfriend that it brought her to tears to accept that indeed she was never ok with how south things went between her and her person. 

It's ok to be completely and truly over a relationship and a person after a breakup and it's ok not to be over it too. Breakups are a lot!! There are so many factors to it and I strongly believe grieving/hurting doesn’t have an expiring date or deadline, everyone has unique ways they take an L. I know it gets better, take your time. Time will give you the clarity that you ought to get.