Have you ever thought to yourself HOW DID I KNOW HOW TO WEAR A FOOTWEAR CORRECTLY? How is it I know I shouldn't shake someone with my left hand? How did these things become a permanent thing in my life and I can't even remember when I started it.
Before I experienced God for myself by myself,
I always wondered why we(my family and
church members) believed so much in a
God that doesn't even talk to us (which was false, because God actually talks to us but not in the ways I was thinking)and we can't
even see him. I know I'm not alone in this,
there are some part of our lives we question
and strangely we don't have answers to
them.
But I encourage you to keep reading,you might be able to fuse the pieces together and get a whole that may be able to answer some of your life long questions.
Our subconscious mind being the foundation of our believes
I know the phrase subconscious is not new
to our ears, neither is the word "mind".
These are two power houses that come together to make up a section of our mind. Don't be puzzled I'm not trying to teach philosophy but if you have a little knowledge about philosophy then what I'm about to say will be smooth like butter but even if you don't have any knowledge in philosophy, you still would understand everything I'm about to say.
Our minds are divided into two parts, the subconscious and the conscious mind.
When you came into this world as a pure and innocent baby, your brain had no core memories, you cried because you were introduced into a new environment, an environment different from the warm cuzzy womb you've grown happily in for 9month + you grabbed anything that came close to your tiny bitty hands, you didn't even know you had a body left alone to body shame it and have a standard on how it should look and not look. You didn't even know if skin had a color, you had no idea that Anambra people don't encourage their children to marry from Imo state, you were just a harmless tiny human being. But as you grew you began to learn and see things from the older people in your life, you started hearing words like NO!, DON’T, STOP! YES! etc you where taught to eat with your right hands, you were taught to use the potty, you were told not to talk to strangers, you said any word you heard the people around you say because at that stage of your life you were like a printer,whatever was given to you,that is exactly what you gave back, be it good or bad and most of those believes and lessons where passed on from generations up to your parents and now to you (and the cycle goes on). Most of which(the believes) were just for your good or so your parents/Guardians thought.
Now the thing is, those memories, those believes, those things you watched and saw during the first 8-10 years of your life becomes your core memory. You really didn't know what was good or bad, you were told they were good and they were bad so automatically you believed and those believes stick with you until you realize it and most times we realize when it's too late to change them and the saddest part is some of these believes have nothing to do with your existence, they have Zero impact on your reason for being here, your purpose .
"Some of us are living an illusion of someone else's believes"
-Jen sincero(author of How to be a badass).
The conscious mind and fighting a loosing game
Now we know our core memories come from our subconscious, so what happens to our conscious mind? Our conscious mind develops fully when we hit puberty and that is when it starts it's loosing game. So what is this loosing game?
The loosing game is thinking and claiming it is in control when in reality the subtle subconscious mind is in control. Your conscious mind makes conscious efforts to stay in charge while the conscious mind does nothing but is still in charge. For Example; let’s say you grew up in a household whose day starts from 7am and you get a job or you have a really important thing to get done before 7am so you tell yourself I will wake up by 5am and get ready for work and you doubt your ability to actually wake up by 5am so you proceed to set 4 alarms in a row from 4: 48am- 5am because you're used to waking up by 7am and you know deep down if you don't turn on your alarm, it's till 7am. Now that's a clear battle between who is actually in charge here. Your conscious or your subconscious? I'll let you answer that by yourself 😉😁
That is just one example of the battle of control our minds fight through our lives.
What role does each play in who we are today?
I know it's beginning to sound like we have zero control over our minds or we're crazy
For sure you can control your mind but it takes a lot of will power, let gos and most importantly God, but the crazy part, well I guess we're all crazy in our own way.
I'm going to be using a more vivid imagination and example to answer this question so bring your imagination hat and buckle your seat belt let's go on this ride.
Example : kunle grew up in an abusive home, his parents always engage in verbal and physical abuse. Kunle being just a young boy got to witness his father constantly beating his mother, the father being an absent father despite living with his family under the same roof, his father provides and makes it seem as providing for the family is the only duty he has as a father,he yells at kunle and all his siblings from time to time, kunle has also caught his dad with his mistresses several times. with all these kunle grew up neglected despite coming from a wealth home and having two parents.
YEARS go by kunle leaves home and is now an adult fending for himself, he finds it hard to be in a relationship because he feels he fails at love, he struggles to make money and when he does he does away with it way too fast, he doesn't welcome the idea of marriage, he is a loner who deals with his problems alone and he feels all he has to do to make people regard him is to make money and I tell you honestly kunle is trying to do his best in life but sometimes he feels stucked.
(Disclaimer: this is an imaginary story and I know some persons can relate to this, honestly that is the point of the example, and by no means is this example about anyone)
Kunle has had a traumatic childhood and sadly these traumatic experiences has some how become his core memories.
WHAT HIS SUBCONSCIOUS MIND TOOK IN: violence is normal in homes
If I get rich I won't have a good family
My dad wasn't a good dad and so will I
Money is the most important thing to any Man.
If I get people close to me they will take advantage of me.
Marriage is unhealthy
WHAT HIS CONSCIOUS MIND DOES:
Kunle has grown up and seen life, he has probably learnt that violence and abuse is wrong so he is staying away from it.
He falls in love but can't hold down a stable relationship plus he is scared of marriage and fatherhood and this can be related to what his SUBCONSCIOUS MIND thinks
a) If I let people close to me,they'll take advantage of me which leads him to probably having trust issues
b) violence is normal ; Yes he knows by now that it isn't but he can't trust himself not to get violent with a partner
c)if I get married, I would become like my father
d)Money is all I should focus on yet he can't seem to make a good amount because he feels money will be the only thing he will be valued for
e)ghosting and being alone is a coping mechanism for him because he was alone all his life and somehow he sees it as a normal thing.
I can make a book about how what kunle heard and witnessed while growing up has made him the loner he is today but I don't want to bore you and I guess by now you understand the logic behind this mind game I've been explaining since the first paragraph.
You know the sad thing is kunle as our case study makes conscious efforts to be better, he probably has a job but bad spending habits, he tries to ask girls out on dates, he tries to put himself out there to be better but the boss in charge of his mindset is working harder than the devil and he remembers his childhood but he doesn't know he harbors core believes from the events he witnessed, he is not conscious about it. And in reality nobody is fully conscious about our subconscious until we are awaken mentally.
You can't get a prescription and treatment without getting a diagnosis, right?
Ask yourself what aspect of my life is a mess and what what role has my early Life experiences played in it? Sit down and ask yourself that trust issues I have is it linked back my early years? Why am I bad at this love thing? why do I have commitment issues? Why are routines war zones for me? Why do I constantly let what I want go even when I can reach for it? Why can't I minimize my spending habits? etc. Ask yourself those questions and look for answers from your childhood first. It could be the littlest things like when your mom promises to wait for you when you go inside to get your slippers and upon arriving you find out that she left without you. Trust me, it'll be the little things that make the most impact.
How fucked up is too fucked up?
In a fucked up world how fucked up can you be to out fuck up all the fuck ups that has ever been? This was a question a friend asked me a while ago.
Truth is we are all messy and fucked up and until you accept it you can't get better. Even the Bible says that OUR HOLINESS IS LIKE A FILLTY RAG TO GOD so you can imagine if your most pure state stinks to the Lord then who are you to claim perfection, who are you please?. Accept you have a problem then you can find a solution, nobody is too fucked up to get help if you genuinely want to get help.
Like I quoted earlier "some of us are living in the illusion of someone else's believes" and it is not really our fault, it's not OUR FAULT THAT WE ARE FUCKED UP, BUT IT IS OUR FAULT IF WE REMAIN FUCKED UP.
you can see siblings that grew up in a very poor home have different economic status. from that same home there can be a sibling with a big bag and there is also a sibling who eats from hand to mouth and begs their way through life. Both sibling registered the same subconscious memory but one decided to beat that believe and make a great life while the other choose to wallow in the believes all life long and made room for laziness.
If kunle had siblings there is a chance that at least one of kunle's sibling has a good love life, has a good social life and is doing well regardless...
What is the way out ?
I'm not even going to sound like those motivational speakers because I too need motivation, and just like you I'm a work in progress, we all are! we all need help at some point. Here's a few things that can help you move on and hopefully do better.
1. First thing to do is take your spiritual life seriously;
Dearest, I can't even begin to tell you all you can manifest with God on your side. It's like magic it's divine, it's beautiful. You can do all things through Christ who strengthens you so take your relationship with God seriously, pray to him in FAITH, don't pray blankly, have the faith to back it up. This is the one solution that has never failed and that is why I put it first. Some people may not agree with this, some people say it’s The universe and it’s entities but whatever it is, we all know there’s a supreme being that governs our world, So get right with that spirit.
2. Therapy:
Yes dears, therapy is your friend be it online therapy or one on one therapy. Those people are trained psychologist they know these things. And a good therapy will always try to make you talk about your childhood in details so they can know what your problem truly is or if your problem is linked to your childhood . Therapy is a must go even if it's once in your life, it will do you a great deal and I'm talking out of experience.
3. Self help books:
Our brains are like engines,you need to service it, use it, change it's oil for it to be in good shape, you need to use the brain for it to be useful 🤷 self help books are your best help here, energize your brain with motivated mindsets, read books from great minds, try to think like they do and I promise you you'll get the wake up call you longed for. Personally I got the wakeup call I wanted from a book. I'm not there yet but I'm making it my duty to get me to the height I so deserve and I’m very sure you do too.
I will drop a list of some good self help books I've read and I can attest to their positive effect.
4. Surround yourself with positive energy:
I'm not about to school you on positivity, because I know we've had our own fair shares of its lesson. The more good people you surround yourself with, the more positive activities you engage in, the better your mentality, the better your mindset.
5. Try a little kindness:
Just like the song says "just shine your light let so everyone can see" kindness, compassion and humbleness tell more of you than the act so try it, the feeling of putting a smile on someone's face is next to none.
6. Face your fears:
Truly You attract what you fear! If you fear heartbreaks, you'll get them even if you decide to isolate yourself from the world. if you fear not being a good partner or father or mother you certainly will turn out not to be a good one or in a more unfortunate circumstance you end up with one. If you fear being abandoned, you my dearest will get abandoned. So darling why not go toe to toe with these made up fears, tell yourself I'll make this money and work your ass off to make it, tell yourself I'll fight for this love ,I'll be a good partner and watch yourself be just that. THE LIFE WE WANT IS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF OUR FEARS AND OBEDIENCE TO GOD.
7. Engage in activities you genuinely love and have interest in:
Interest and love are major drive forces, you just will be blown away with how you progress when you do things you love and have genuine interest in, it's crazy and amazing. So why drag yourself sadly through the job that is stressing your life out when you can learn that skill you love and be a guru at it... Leave that friendship, relationship, partnership and job(I'm sorry to say) Go and do what you want, life is way too short to endure nonsense.
I ones worked a 9-5 job that was draining me physically and mentally, it got to the point when my alarm rings in the morning I instantly break down and cry before I go into the bathroom I was enduring all these just because I needed the money but dearly beloved I quit!! And I haven't died, I still buy my necessities and life is still going on greatly for me so please don't compromise your mental and physical health for a job that will replace you the next minute you're unavailable. The same goes to all aspect of your life, if it is costing you your peace then it's too expensive for you. If it’s making footwears, cooking, braiding (etc) you love, learn the skill, do all the needful and market your craft. It's not easy but it is truly worth it.
8. It begins with you! :
I think the title of this has said it all, I can school you on effects of trauma all day long and how to get rid of them for good but if you haven't decided to do away with these habits then all I said was useless same as what anyone says too. You can read all the self help books that has ever been published, go to the best therapist in your region and you will still feel shitty but it all comes down to you. It all comes down to you realizing that the pain of getting that chair pressing you down off you is better than enduring the pressure mounted on your back by the chair. It's all in your hands. If you want better, you go get better..
I hope we do better and be better humans. We can really take charge of this life we're living. E no easy o(with emphasis to "no easy") but we will get there.
BONUS
LIST OF SELF HELP BOOKS:
1.big magic by Elizabeth gilbert
2. You're a badass by Jen sincero
3. Girl wash your face by Rachel Hollis
4. 10% happier: brene brown
5. Declutter your mind: by Barrie davenport
6. The power of now: by Eckhart Tolle
7. The magic of thinking big by David j. Schwartz
These books where good to me and I highly recommend them.
I hope somehow this article serves as a sign for you to start looking for better and I also hope you find this helpful . This adulting is hard but we can work it out regardless.
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